Is a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist who credits his father's death in 9/11 as the driving force to his success. Born and raised on the Upper East Side of New York City, Clint currently lives in Chicago where he has season tickets to the Cubs but never goes. He is an adjunct professor at Northwestern University with his popular elective "Cultural Anthropology and How It Applies to the Duality of the Political Sphere." He hates animals. All animals. 

Clint Myers-Novak is played by John Patrick Daly.



Is a Peabody Award winning journalist and radio personality. At a young age, he fled the horrors of a war-torn Chile with his mother, after his eight brothers were abducted and executed in eight separate, unrelated incidents. He currently lives alone in Los Angeles, where he is plotting revenge after the tragic deaths of his wife and four children due to senseless gang violence. He also collects sweet-hot artisan mustards. 

Sebastian Morales is played by Julian Barnett.



Currently working for college credit from an acclaimed university and recovering from:

  • Burned tongue

  • Plane crash (multiple)

  • Bolted skull

  • Facial contusions

  • Bilateral groin pull

  • Split stapled lips

  • Hot Pocket chest burns

  • Swallowed by whale

  • Mouth infection

  • MRSA infection

  • Complete loss of emotion

  • Burned crotchal area

  • Smashed by black bear

  • Magazine ink poisoning

  • Falling out of 2nd story window

  • The Zombie Train to Bhutan

  • Scabies

  • Splinters

  • Hysterical Blindness

  • Becoming a 14 year old Chihuahua

  • Salmonella of the eye

  • Velcro Face

Get well soon!



Symphorien Francis "Boopsie" Benoit

Is a Grammy, Tony, and Emmy Award winning composer and jazz musician. Born in the French Quarter of New Orleans, his formative years were spent at a piano in the attic of his parents brothel, where he was taught the principals of jazz by a blind prostitute named Hush Puppy. He currently moonlights as the Sidebar Quartet's band leader, owns a popular jazz club on Bourbon Street, and is working on regaining his hearing after listening to the collected works of Coldplay.